What day is today?

Yesterday Skip had the day off to celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King day. I loved having him home, but this means that all day long I will struggle to believe that today is Tuesday. This week I will have to follow my calendar very closely to avoid missing any routine activities. By Thursday, I will recognize the next day as being Friday and the week will have flown by.

Things are very quiet on the adoption front in regards to approvals coming in. It is amazing to Skip the bond I have with other mothers from the different adoption groups. He calls them my "cyber friends". I'll never forget the sea of adopting parents in the Chicago airport waiting to travel to Beijing. Across the room I saw someone I had met on the adoption sites. I told him we needed to go speak and he began to plead with me about approaching strangers. I drug him over and it did happen to be my friend Rebekah and her husband and daughter! I loved having the opportunity to meet her face to face and travel together. We ended up spending time together in Guangzhou and infact, we celebrated Skip's 40 Birthday with them.

Again, I (we) have friends who are looking for their travel approvals very soon in hopes of traveling the week we travel, some cyber and non-cyber (LOL). I would love to continue to share the journey and celebrate together in China. I am praying we will see some shouting, "TA!!!!!!" very soon.

We Have A Due Date

On February 1st we will have known she is our girl for 9 months. On February 1st we will depart to China and on February 6th I will have the honor and privilege to hold her in my arms. I have prayed for this day to hold my daughter for four years.

Upon the announcement of TA, life feels like it has been turned upside down. My concentration level is shot and my children are taking full advantage and loving it! I wish I could say I have lists, but I do not, and I really would not have anything to cross off if I did have a list except perhaps that my visa paperwork has been sent.


The Lord has met us at every single step and I trust He has done the same for sweet Ruthie Joy. Our older girls, Olivia and Annabel will be traveling with us and I look forward to seeing China through their eyes.

January 26th Ruthie will celebrate her 2nd birthday and the ocean between us seems to be getting smaller every minute. Her life is such a precious gift.

So we begin the countdown with great anticipation and I continue to pray that she will know the depth of my love for her. This journey has been such a sweet reminder to me that God is in the details and JOY comes in the morning.

I LOVE ladybugs!

In the China adoption community there is a belief that if you spot a ladybug, then good news is coming soon. We are on day 57 waiting for our LOA (second to last approval to bring Ruthie Joy home). Yes, we are counting every single second. My sweet dear friend, who is also waiting on LOA for her daughter Willa, delivered this to my door step. We have both been looking every day for some good news. Hoping and praying we get our LOA news at the same time! This really brightened my wait!

It will be here soon and I cannot wait!

Ruthie Joy Pictures!

She is sitting up,

standing while holding on to something,

full of joy ( I LOVE THIS PICTURE!),

and crawling!

Oh I love you my precious little girl!

I have been in northern Tennessee on the Cumberland Plateau for the last seven days without internet and cell phone service.(truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been). Once we stopped for lunch on the way home today, I was able to check my emails. It was such a gift to open an email and see pictures of Ruthie and hear about how well she is doing. Thanks to the suggestion of my dear friend Sara, last week we ordered an update of Ruthie from Isabel at China Adoption Help. Just to see her face warms my heart.

When we accepted her referral in May, she did not sit up nor did she crawl. One IA Dr. suggested that because of her head size she perhaps was mentally delayed along with her motor delays. Five minutes after Skip and I discussed the possible grim future of our Ruthie according to this doctor, we heard from our pediatrician who had just flown in from a cruise and just happened to stop by the office at 5PM and saw Ruthie's referral sitting on his desk. After reviewing her file he called and his perspective of Ruthie's medical report was much different and more encouraging. It is so difficult to have such conflicting reports, but we felt a peace accepting her referral and believed God did not want the IA doctor's view to be the last consideration.

I am so proud of sweet Ruthie and I can tell she is such a strong and courageous little girl.

Along with the pictures we also received an update. I will share that tomorrow. Time to unpack and relax from a 7 hour drive. I am so happy, now it is time for her to come home.

Great News!

DTC! (Dossier to China)

Today we are one step closer to our sweet Ruthie Joy.

Exhale

I-800A Approval!

I called today and found out we received our I-800A approval! I should be over the moon, however, I am a bit embarrassed. I just knew in my mind we received our approval last Wednesday, because that was the day that worked (best for me). That would have made our approval letter arrive last Saturday or today. Well, our mail does not come until 4:30 and that was too late. So, I found our mailman making his deliveries and I asked him for our mail around 12:00.

I am glad I did this because after living here for 2 years I have never formally introduced myself. He is such a kind man. In the 5 minutes I spent with him he told me about his 82 year old mother who just had knee surgery and how difficult her rehabilitation has been. I am thankful to have met him. He did not have my approval and I got back in my car with a very heavy heart.

I really wanted that piece of paper called the I-797 today. It worked for me to have it today so that I could get it all ready to send. It was all about ME. I did call the USCIS later and found out we were approved today. This is a big celebration, but I am embarrassed and disappointed. Embarassed because I was so head set on getting what I wanted regardless of who in slowed down and I am disappointed because I allowed this one piece of paper to become more important than pretty much everything. It is hard to trust that the God who created the heavens and the earth has dominion over all! WHY do I forget who He is?

Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. Psalm 86:3-5

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

Psalm 112:6-8

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

Philippians 3:12-14"

Hopefully our letter will arrive sometime this week and soon we will have our dossier sent off to China!

Adoption Update

Ruthie at 15 months

Yesterday we received all our documents from the Chinese Consulate. 12 documents (medical report, birth certificates, financial reports, police clearances, homestudy, letter of intent ...). Each document had to be notarized, then we needed a seal from the county, state, state department and then the Chinese Consulate. All to verify they were real authenticate documents. Next to packing to travel this part is the most stressful part for me. Each document has to be less than 6 months old, the staples after a seal has been applied cannot be tampered with or removed (even if the clerk got all of the papers out of order). The stack of documents has grommets and staples and you have to work around them to get good copies. It is DONE!~ Yipeee.

We are now on day 27 waiting for our I-800A approval. The average wait is about 60 to 70 days. Once we receive this approval we will copy the approval letter, write a letter stating it is a true and original copy, notarize it, take it to the county, state, mail it to a courier to take to the State Department and then to the consulate. It will then be sent to our agency BAAS and the following Friday we will be DTC (dossier to china). Then we line up in for the next approval!

I am getting so very excited and love all the great celebrations along the way. I love little Ruthie Joy! I cannot get enough of her sweet little face. I just cannot believe she is my daughter. I am so grateful to God for the opportunity to adopt again. I am blessed beyond words to have another daughter!

Jeeah's Hope - Part 1

The first part of the story of Jeeah's Hope: Adoption and Foster Care Ministry.

During one of the most difficult time of our adoption journey I was crying one Sunday at the altar to God. We had just lost the dream of adopting a daughter from China, many of you know about Faith. My heart had been broken, we were so confused and lacked any direction. We had finished our dossier and it sat on someone's desk waiting . . . I was broken and really questioned what kind of God would allow me to feel so much pain.

One Sunday kneeling at the altar a sweet couple who was very familiar with our adoption journey met and prayed with us. As we finished praying and left the altar, they handed us a locally published magazine with a family on the cover who were adopting. This couple said, "perhaps you could get in touch with this family." I knew the wife on the cover from a few years past and had heard their family was in the process of adopting. I did not contact them, but kept in touch through mutual friends about their adoption.

Two years pass by and then this last summer I decided to call this friend, Emily, featured in the magazine. We had been home with Grant for awhile and she had also recently adopted a little girl from South Korea, Ellie Jeeah. For hours we would talk on the phone sharing our hearts for adoption and reflecting on our unique and challenging journeys.

Tragically, about two months later, her daughter Ellie Jeeah died of SIDS. Ellie was just under two years old and had only been home for less than a year. I have never been close to a family who had lost their child, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of loosing a child. We had just become friends and I heard the Lord say, "walk with her." Honestly, I was so scared because of my insecurities and pride. I was so worried about what I was going to say, or if I would be able to say the right things, what if I called at the wrong time . . . the Lord said, "walk."

Through all the confusion of "why" the Lord used this family to show me what it looks like to be the daughter of a king. My new precious friend, Emily, having lost her daughter, walked through this tragedy as the beloved daughter of THE KING. She was grounded in who her Father is and did not waiver about His love for her and her daughter. She did not rest in the whys because she knew the character of her Father and believed without a doubt that He would turn Ellie's short life into something beautiful. Emily walked into the memorial service with her husband and 5 boys in such humble confidence and if that was not enough, she stood and gave her adoption testimony. Passionately she encouraging everyone to hear that God calls us all to care for the orphan. I was so taken by her radiance and grace and moved by the beauty of her heart as she honored God during such a difficult time. In lieu of flowers, their family asked for people to donate money to begin a fund to help others adopt.

I was obedient and chose to walk with her, all the time thinking that it was for her benefit. Do not get me wrong, I wanted to be friends, but I was afraid. I am sure I said really stupid things and to tell you how kind her heart is, she did not need an extra friend, God had blessed her with a large community of sweet friends. I had no idea at the time that my decision to walk with her was a blessing for me and that God had a much bigger plan which would unfold later. Looking back, I can see God so clearly wanted to show me more of Himself through her life.

Emily never wavered or grew tired during her grief - her foundation of Christ was built upon a rock and the death of her daughter was not separating her from the love of God. She was a witness and through Her testimony He was leading me to a place where I would begin to trust Him more and more.

WE ARE GOING TO CHINA!!!!

Yesterday our agency told us we have TA (travel approval)! I am so absolutely grateful to our gracious Lord for Grant. We are still ironing out the details. I am having to slow down my desire to jump on the next plane. I am so thankful to have a husband that can think clearly and reasonably in the center of excitement. He is a rock no matter what the circumstances and oh how God knows exactly what I needed in a husband. I adore Skip and I am thrilled that adoption is a part of our story - such an incredible adventure. God is so good!

Skip and I will be traveling alone. We are wanting to leave on Thanksgiving Day and hopefully we will have a Consulate Appointment (CA) on December 8th or 9th. I have no concerns about our travel, however, the children's plans are a different story. We will leave all 5 here - two will go to my parents (out of state)- one to Skip's parents (out of town) and two will stay here with friends. I know our children will have a great time on their vacations away from home - and very well taken care of. It is just difficult to ask so much from our family and friends. Two weeks to iron out all the details, pack for 8, and get prepared to receive such a beautiful gift.

- We are praying for wisdom, discernment, guidance, and for Grant's heart.

The Veil

This adoption journey has not been easy, but it is beautiful. There have just been some bumps that I have been to confused about to share. The clarity has finally come and I so hope I can articulate what I have learned.

I have to rewind back to October 2008 when we first started our journey to adopt. (Well really it started in March of 2008 when Skip said absolutely NO!) Skip and I had gone on a retreat and we had fallen in love with Faith - a precious little girl at New Day Foster Home. The privilege to be a part of New Day and her life has been incredible. Anyway, on this trip I was deep in prayer about how badly I wanted Faith to be our daughter, but I was afraid to ask God. Skip and I talked about it, I mostly cried because I did not know what if. What if I asked Him and He said no? What if by asking I could somehow mess up his plan for us? What if . . . what if I go down this path and I get so attached and she is not our daughter? I just know I could not stand the pain. What if . . . . I was so full of fear - the fear of hurting. We really felt like God spoke to our hearts that weekend to ask for Faith. I thought it was a done deal, I just knew we had a lot of paperwork to do quickly.

As the months passed we did grow more and more attached to this beautiful little girl through celebrations, wonderful pictures, and milestones in her life. The papers were finished and the CCAA had not said no, so in our minds it was still happening. And why would God say ask, and then say no?

It was the end of February and Skip called me with the devastating news, Faith's file had gone out on the shared list AND someone else had locked it. In one phone call, she was gone and so was my dream. It did not help for people to say, but isn't it wonderful she has a family? or you really need to focus on the bigger picture. My heart hurt so badly, I could not see beyond anything. I was very angry with God crying out, "But you told me to ask!" I wanted to know what kind of God tells you to ask for something and then doesn't give it? I also wondered if I was crazy and the voice I heard in my heart was something I made up. It was very difficult to imagine how I could ever trust hearing him again. The only thing I could hear from all the pain was, "she was your invitation." That did not help either because I wanted for her to be so much more. Grieving is so incredibly complex.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

As we waded through the disappointment and loss, I kept waiting for her new family to contact New Day, as most families adopting do and there was no sign of her being matched. The first 4 months we kept wondering which way to go - desperately looking for any sign and we just kept hearing No. We did not know if we should wait for her or not. ? Wondering all the time if the lack of a sign meant that perhaps eventually she would be our daughter or if we just had to wait. That was not an easy time either.

When we felt like we should proceed with the adoption and commit to an agency, we called the agency that matched her file. They confirmed that she did have a family and they had received PA - double checking that this was the right little girl.

We were matched with our son in July and we still had not seen any signs that Faith had been adopted. I have prayed and prayed for the veil to be lifted - to better understand why. Please do not get me wrong - I am crazy about Grant and I am so thankful he is our son. I just know that God would not waste my tears.

This morning, I got Faith's October update, 1 year ago we asked, and it said she has a family. As I read her update I cried and cried. Sweet Amelia kept handing me the dirty dish rag to wipe my tears. THIS WAS NOT HOW THE STORY WAS SUPPOSE TO END!!!!!! Is all I could think.

After I emailed a couple of friends, I began scrubbing the floors we uncovered under carpet - beautiful hardwood with paint and dried up wallpaper and yuck. As I scrubbed and scrubbed the song, God Bless The Broken Road That Led Me Straight to You kept running through my head. (Watched Hannah Montana The Movie this weekend). FINALLY IT CLICKED! I saw beyond the veil! PRAISES!!!!!!!

When we stepped into adoption, Skip was not on board - at all. I really believe his love for me is what made him say yes, but God needed to change his heart. After we asked the agency to ask for Faith's file, Skip adored her as much if not more than me. There was no questioning where his desire to adopt came from after this happened. "She was (a part of) your invitation."

We also were very fearful about certain SN and did not want to consider a heart baby. When we lost her file, we threw our arms open wide and for a time pursued a little boy with a very serious heart defect. ONLY GOD could change our hearts so dramatically. Our son, Grant has an ASD, congenital heart disease, and delayed growth. I assure you we would have never considered adopting him in the beginning.

He has shown me that He is enough. I am doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther and she has a segment on fear. She asked us to fill in the blank: What if ________, then ______. As I scrubbed and remembered my plea, "What if I ask and then we do not get her?" THEN ME! (GOD) - I am enough to carry you through ANYTHING. The fist blank is for your fear, the second blank is GOD. He did carry us through and he was faithful - even if it did not turn out how we had planned in the beginning and at times it did not feel good. As I look back, if this was the path that we had to take to get us to Grant - I would do it again and again. The kind of God that says ask and then doesn't give is the God that has plans so much bigger than my little mind can comprehend. I have also never felt so loved by my Savior - he is truly more than enough and we do not have any idea of the grandness of what he has in store for ALL of us.

Thank you God for Faith's family and for the huge impact that tiny little girl made in my heart!

I have never been so ready to go and get my son.


UPDATE: The floors I scrubbed are spotless - just in case you were wondering :).

Is 60 Days A Long Time?

Grant's Social Welfare Institute in Chengdu

I have been reading adoption packing lists from other families. I have to laugh because when you combine more than one list - the list soon gets much larger:). For some reason, I have spent too much time reading about the best bottle to take. I can so easily get focused on one thing and take it entirely too far. I really CANNOT wait to feed Grant a bottle! Even if he no longer use a bottle, he is going to get it back. It doesn't even have to be milk - I think I am taking just about every kind - (I am not kidding), except Dr. Browns ( too slow), I thought that one would frustrate him.

We are at least 60 days out from China sending us an invitation to travel - best case scenario. This next letter is called a TA. Once we receive our TA, we will schedule an appointment with the US Consulate in Guangzhou. So we are a couple of months away and I almost have Grant packed.

Skip and I will travel to China. The older girls really would like to go, but I really think this time should just be for Grant. Recently, I have had dreams about traveling with them. The last dream one of the girls was brushing their teeth and using the tap water - Because I forgot to remind them to not use the tap water! Nightmare! Anyway, I am so looking forward to traveling with Skip as he is a bit more responsible (LOL)! and it has been a very long time since we have been on a trip together.

As we look into traveling, we have found that adding Beijing to our travel will cost a bit more money. The more conservative trip for us would be flying into Hong Kong, going to Chengdu then to Guangzhou. I do think Hong Kong would be wonderful to see, I just have had my heart set on going to Beijing and New Day for a long time. God will work out that detail.

I am also am wondering if we need to take a video recorder/cam recorder. We do have one, from about 10 years ago. My father gave it to us before Olivia was born - ALMOST 11 years ago! It works great, but the battery has issues. We had to replace the original battery and the new one has to be forcefully but carefully rigged up to the charger - there is a 50/50 chance that the battery will be charged after 12 hours. It is very unpredictable. ? would I regret not having a video tape?

Grant's Surprise!

Our agency helped us send a care package to Grant. The only stipulation is it has to fit into a Zipl@c bag. I had a very hard time fitting everything I wanted to send him into a Zipl@c. I will say I hope the bag did not explode on its way to our agency in Washington.

We sent Grant clothes, two cameras for his foster family to fill with pictures, a photo album with all of our pictures, snugly blanket and two small squirting animals.
I also made him this blanket to hang in his crib. I must say it is very strange to have a child so far away. I am thankful for this summer, which has kept us quite busy. Grant should receive this surprise this week.

I over heard Quinn telling his swim teacher about his brother. She asked him his name and Quinn said, "His name is Grant, because Grant is a very strong name." We pray for Grant's strong heart and strong growth.

Grant Yinan

Precious
Grant Yi Nan - 11 months old

On June 8th, 2009 our adoption agency sent us Grant's file and 6 other files of beautiful precious children. My heart was racing because I knew we had only a few minutes to lock a file as they were on the Shared List - many agencies have access to the Shared List and these files had just been put on it. I called Skip at work and we quickly discussed the files. Yi Nan's file and his big beautiful dark eyes especially stood out. We read over his special needs and all 9 pages of his file :). Fortunately, we have already studied his special need for the past 3 months - we have done extensive research and spoken to many families who have children with similar conditions. We decided we were very comfortable with his special needs. We quickly had our agency lock his file. Once the file was locked so no one else had access to it, we had 48 hours to have his file review by doctors. That night we kept looking at his picture, rereading his file and soon we fell in love with this precious boy and his amazing spirit, which was written about in his file! His beautiful big eyes and precious smile and tiny teeth captured our hearts. We remained in constant prayer and very as we continued to ask, :Could this be our son? After dinner I researched the meaning if his name on the Internet. I typed in Yi and it said, "Yi: second; as in second son." We had emailed his file to a specialist in Boston and that night at 11:30 P.M. we received his response! Skip sat down on the bed and pulled up the email and before I could get there -it took was seemed like forever to get around the pillows in order to sit next to Skip. He was going to read it without me! We read it together and it seemed like the world was put on hold - it really was surreal and so gosh darn exciting! We read it as fast as we could, read it again - WOW! his opinion about Grant's special need was truly something our family could handle. Peace, a peace that was so new to reviewing a file. We went to bed praying that we would like to submit a request to adopt him - and praying for God's wisdom and direction. It was very difficult to fall asleep! The next morning I turned to my assigned reading - June 9th in my book "read the Bible in a year" - Psalm 127. God is so good!! We wrote our Letter of Intent (LOI) and emailed our agency a LOI on behalf of Grant Yi Nan! Our second medical review came the next afternoon in full agreement with the first opinion. June 9th, 2009 we officially asked China if we could adopt Grant. Whew! that was quite a incredible 18 hours! God is so good!

It's a BOY! It's a BOY!

We are absolutely on on knees praising God for this indescribable gift! And that yet again He would bless us with one of His own!

Our son, Grant Yi Nan Perkins!11 months old

Grant is in the Sichuan province in the city of Chengdu. He is 19 months old. We received PA for Grant only 6 days after we wrote a letter of intent to adopt him (LOI)! Please pray for a smooth process from here on. We would love to be with Grant on his second birthday in October!

I will post more about how exciting the last two weeks have been. I am manning the fort alone right now - not a lot of leisure time!

Pink or Blue?

This is day I delivered Amelia, standing in her BLUE nursery.

Anticipating the arrival of our next child is very exciting. I am one of those people who love surprises and everything leading up to them. We found out the gender of our child the first four times - everything HAD to be just perfect. That was when I was in my prime as a perfectionist. The fifth time I was okay to just let it go, it was a complete surprise. Please do not be mistaken, I did have a boy and girl wardrobe all ready to go just in case. I am not sure if anyone believed we did not know what we were having - the nursery could have been that indication. I tried so hard to do a neutral nursery, but I think deep down inside I thought it was a boy. I had many ultrasounds so if tempted, I could have found out. Although I thought it was a boy, I did not have a preference. I cried tears of joy when they said, "It's a girl!"

Amelia Ashley only minutes old

The truth about me is deep down inside there is a part of me that is quite intimidated by mothering a boy. I grew up an only child somewhat a tomboy, but I have never seen a son mothered. I understand girls and although mine are all so different, on most days I get where they are coming from. The older girls are a lot of emotional work and there are many days I am also emotionally challenged - those are difficult days to say the least. The girls tend to need a lot more praise and validation - am I pretty? did I do a good job? am I special? how am I special? Where as my son is so okay with who he is. His ability to receive love is not based on any condition. He is secure. Quinn needs affection, one on one time and a sword fight here an there, but other than than, he is very content - unless it is nap time.

The reality is I enjoy the challenge and the reflection of myself with the girls and the easy and adventure of my son. God's creation is beautiful!

Boy or girl, I just cannot wait!! I pray for patience.

Logged In!

We were officially logged-in with the CCAA on May 21st. It was very difficult for us to take this step for many reasons.  One reason was that we can no longer look at other agencies' private lists of waiting children.  Even though we love our agency, we have been looking at children (one in particular) held at another agency.  We will now look at only our agency's private list.  If there is not a good match there, we will have to wait for them to receive their next private list, or they can try to match us from a shared list that comes out about every month.

Our agency is waiting on their "private" list right now and it should arrive any day. Their list will have about 25 children with major and minor special needs. The great thing about this list is we will have plenty of time to have a specialist review the files if there is one we are interested in. The "shared" list is a whole different story. The shared list is a large list of children with anything from minor to serious special needs.  This list is posted just about every month by the CCAA. The problem is that it is basically unannounced.  Once they start posting the names, they begin to trickle out around 6 - 7 PM PST, and this continues until around 2 AM PST. So, assuming our agency coordinator even knows it is happening, she would have to work very late in order to see if there is possibly a file they would want to "lock" for us.  There are many other agencies around the world anxiously awaiting the release of these files every month, so when the list starts trickling out everyone around the world is competing for the same files. It is crazy!!!  To make matters worse, if you lock on the shared list, you have to decide IN 48 HOURS if that is the child you want to adopt.  It is quite a difficult process.   Through both their private list and the shared list, our agency will be looking for our baby.

We are open to a boy or a girl, which to some may sound a bit crazy.   Our arms are wide open to what ever God has for us.  Whether boy or girl, we are praying we will have a face to see soon!  Skip has commented more than once that I am behaving like I am seven months pregnant.  Somedays I feel like I can not wait any longer!  Some weeks are endless without any signs, lots of false labor thinking that today is the day.  I am really hoping it is more like 8.5 months pregnant - there is nothing we can do but wait.

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Terrific Tuesday!

This is a wonderful gift I received this morning from my dear friend Elizabeth. It makes me smile and tear up at the same time. There are six! and they are on a straight path! Thank you my sweet friend.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Monthly Update!

I do not know why I have not posted in a month. I think it is because of the major work God is doing on my heart right now - sometimes it is too real.

In the last month I was able to travel to the big city to attend a home schooling conference with one of my dearest friends. We had so much fun and thanks to her sweet husband we had a 5 course meal at one of the best restaurants in the big city. I love getting away. It was so funny how I went to look at curriculum, but ended up really looking at ways to teach my children character. WHAT IS CHARACTER??? I really think God has put it on my heart to build on who he is and what He wants for them, instead of all the academics, which I tend think are so important. I know there is a balance and like most things in my life, eventually I will find that balance even if it is only for one week.

We have asked our oldest daughter, Olivia, if she would like to go back to school - SHE SAID YES! Oh my heart was crushed. (am I not the perfect teacher?????) I knew she wanted to go back and that is why I asked. I also know she will do well at school or at home. Olivia is very black and white, believes in justice, has a huge heart, and does not waiver on who she is in Christ. She is so tiny, but her imagination and goals are huge! She loves school, rules, a lot of friends, class pets (real animals:)) and new challenges. We continue to pray and trust God will lead us to all make the right decision.

We travelled to Utah for my grandmother's funeral. It was beautiful and so sad. My father was the primary care taker for her for years and he is having such a difficult time. She is whole and totality healed now, unfortunately those words do not help grief.

Getting out to Utah was most interesting. We decided to take Quinn (4) and Amelia (2). We thought we would save some money by letting Amelia sit on our laps. We incurred $700 over the amount of buying her a regular seat. When we were boarding the plane, they asked if she was 24 months. I told them she was 2 - that is what the on-line ticketing asked. FYI - the regulations are 24 months - not 2.5 years(29moths)! I do not know about you, but once my children reach 2, I stop counting months! Amelia got a one way ticket there and a one way ticket back!!! Quinn and Amelia spent most of their time with my mother's parents and had a ball! It was wonderful seeing everyone and celebrating my grandmother's life!

The adoption front . . . UHHHH. . . this is the most tender place in my heart. After praying and praying, we have decided to not adopt Kevin. Everything in me wants to go get him, my mother's heart cries for him, but he is not ours. I am trusting that God has such an awesome plan for Kevin and my mother's heart will continue to cry out on his behalf. We have been praying about setting up a grant for his adoption - I do not know if that is my heart or God leading us to help Kevin in this way. I have seen how grants for adoption have helped so many people and I also know that in adoption, God always provides the money. We will continue to pray.

But, we did finally send our dossier to CHINA!!!!! I hope we will be logged in in about a week or so. Faith's orphanage still has not contacted New Day to say she has a family and to my knowledge the family has not contacted ND. I do not know why. I do know that the only direction we have ever received from God concerning this adoption was to pursue Faith and log in with AAI. We have been faithful to what he has called us to do and our hearts are open to any direction He wants to take us, but we have not received any further directions. We wait. I know his plan is GRAND and he that he LOVES Faith and us. I continue to pray for the family that has her file and at the same time I struggle as to why after hearing our story they did not give up her file. Why was the path to Faith one of the clearest journeys I have ever been on with God? I cannot wait to look back on this journey and really understand and oh to see Faith with her forever family will be wonderful!

Off to horseback riding!

Waiting

I would love for waiting to feel good all the time.  I would love to wait graciously.  I would love to never panic because of uncertainty.   I would love to never push to make things happen.  I would love to rest in Him - every second of the day - regardless of what I am feeling or seeing.  I would love to live out what I know in my heart - that is HE IS GOOD!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

This is the verse God gave me after Valentine's day.  Right now we do not see any paths, we have forced some and ended up right back where we started.    Our hearts are open to his plan, however, I desperately want something to give - oh just to hear specific direction or just to see His face.

Over the last month we have found comfort in a book called Sky Edge, by W. Phillip Keller.  It is an amazing book!

There is a chapter called Eagles in the Wind - for anyone who has been told to wait, it is so beautiful and encouraging.

Speaking of eagles:

"So they sit quietly, not fretting or worrying about whether the will be taken aloft.  They know they will be.  They renew their strength while they wait.

This is the picture of a Christian passing through the dark hours of danger and discouragement.  All around him he can sense the chill downdrafts of frustration and reverses.  It seems God's face is hidden from him and he cannot see ahead.  Yet he need not be despondent. Rather, this is the time to wait for the Lord, to rest in the confidence that He is true to Himself in utter FAITHFULNESS.

Then it is that the first rays of morning sunshine reach the crest of the cliff and touch the eagle's feathers.  He shakes himself, fluffs this plumage and with new interest watches the valley below him fill with golden light.  Since he knew this would happen, his calm waiting has restored strength and renewed his vigor.

At first, almost imperceptibly, but growing ever stronger, he fells the warm air currents rising around him, lifting gently from the valley floor past his perch.

Presently the regal bird spreads his wings and launches himself confidently into space.  At once the thermal currents are bearing up beneath his wings and he rides them splendidly.  By deliberate effort the eagle keeps himself in the center of the updrafts, rising higher and higher, borne aloft, mounting ever upward until he is lost to sight.

What a sublime etching of this is of the Christian in his relationship to God.  On the outstretched wings of prayer and praises he launches himself out upon the promises of God, depending on the great updrafts of His faithfulness to bear him up. . . The updrafts of God's faithfulness are forever.  It is up to us to rest upon that faithfulness. "  

These words are a revelation every time I read them - the entire chapter is incredible.  It brings me so much comfort and renewal.  I do hope it also speaks to some else - needing to be reminded why waiting is good. 

Praise be to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  Eph 1:1

I love this picture.  I really think it captures what it is going to be like when we are in Heaven.  I cannot believe how abundantly God has also blessed us here on earth.  Thank you everyone who lifted prayers on our behalf.  It has been a very difficult few days switching from grief to hope to grief again.   It has also been a sweet time as a family, where we are able to cry and take turns praying for each other.  I delight in knowing that although our children hurt, they know the goodness of God and that He is collecting every tear.    

I do not know why this happened, I do not know why he so clearly called us  to pursue Faith,   but we would not go back and change anything.  Our time as a part of Faith's life has been a blessing.  Her beautiful brown eyes sent an invitation to our hearts into a world that I love.  I love being a part of the lives of orphans! and I will always love her.

We are strongly believing that God has something so wonderful in store for Faith and for us and every ounce of hope we have is in Him.