The Veil

This adoption journey has not been easy, but it is beautiful. There have just been some bumps that I have been to confused about to share. The clarity has finally come and I so hope I can articulate what I have learned.

I have to rewind back to October 2008 when we first started our journey to adopt. (Well really it started in March of 2008 when Skip said absolutely NO!) Skip and I had gone on a retreat and we had fallen in love with Faith - a precious little girl at New Day Foster Home. The privilege to be a part of New Day and her life has been incredible. Anyway, on this trip I was deep in prayer about how badly I wanted Faith to be our daughter, but I was afraid to ask God. Skip and I talked about it, I mostly cried because I did not know what if. What if I asked Him and He said no? What if by asking I could somehow mess up his plan for us? What if . . . what if I go down this path and I get so attached and she is not our daughter? I just know I could not stand the pain. What if . . . . I was so full of fear - the fear of hurting. We really felt like God spoke to our hearts that weekend to ask for Faith. I thought it was a done deal, I just knew we had a lot of paperwork to do quickly.

As the months passed we did grow more and more attached to this beautiful little girl through celebrations, wonderful pictures, and milestones in her life. The papers were finished and the CCAA had not said no, so in our minds it was still happening. And why would God say ask, and then say no?

It was the end of February and Skip called me with the devastating news, Faith's file had gone out on the shared list AND someone else had locked it. In one phone call, she was gone and so was my dream. It did not help for people to say, but isn't it wonderful she has a family? or you really need to focus on the bigger picture. My heart hurt so badly, I could not see beyond anything. I was very angry with God crying out, "But you told me to ask!" I wanted to know what kind of God tells you to ask for something and then doesn't give it? I also wondered if I was crazy and the voice I heard in my heart was something I made up. It was very difficult to imagine how I could ever trust hearing him again. The only thing I could hear from all the pain was, "she was your invitation." That did not help either because I wanted for her to be so much more. Grieving is so incredibly complex.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

As we waded through the disappointment and loss, I kept waiting for her new family to contact New Day, as most families adopting do and there was no sign of her being matched. The first 4 months we kept wondering which way to go - desperately looking for any sign and we just kept hearing No. We did not know if we should wait for her or not. ? Wondering all the time if the lack of a sign meant that perhaps eventually she would be our daughter or if we just had to wait. That was not an easy time either.

When we felt like we should proceed with the adoption and commit to an agency, we called the agency that matched her file. They confirmed that she did have a family and they had received PA - double checking that this was the right little girl.

We were matched with our son in July and we still had not seen any signs that Faith had been adopted. I have prayed and prayed for the veil to be lifted - to better understand why. Please do not get me wrong - I am crazy about Grant and I am so thankful he is our son. I just know that God would not waste my tears.

This morning, I got Faith's October update, 1 year ago we asked, and it said she has a family. As I read her update I cried and cried. Sweet Amelia kept handing me the dirty dish rag to wipe my tears. THIS WAS NOT HOW THE STORY WAS SUPPOSE TO END!!!!!! Is all I could think.

After I emailed a couple of friends, I began scrubbing the floors we uncovered under carpet - beautiful hardwood with paint and dried up wallpaper and yuck. As I scrubbed and scrubbed the song, God Bless The Broken Road That Led Me Straight to You kept running through my head. (Watched Hannah Montana The Movie this weekend). FINALLY IT CLICKED! I saw beyond the veil! PRAISES!!!!!!!

When we stepped into adoption, Skip was not on board - at all. I really believe his love for me is what made him say yes, but God needed to change his heart. After we asked the agency to ask for Faith's file, Skip adored her as much if not more than me. There was no questioning where his desire to adopt came from after this happened. "She was (a part of) your invitation."

We also were very fearful about certain SN and did not want to consider a heart baby. When we lost her file, we threw our arms open wide and for a time pursued a little boy with a very serious heart defect. ONLY GOD could change our hearts so dramatically. Our son, Grant has an ASD, congenital heart disease, and delayed growth. I assure you we would have never considered adopting him in the beginning.

He has shown me that He is enough. I am doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther and she has a segment on fear. She asked us to fill in the blank: What if ________, then ______. As I scrubbed and remembered my plea, "What if I ask and then we do not get her?" THEN ME! (GOD) - I am enough to carry you through ANYTHING. The fist blank is for your fear, the second blank is GOD. He did carry us through and he was faithful - even if it did not turn out how we had planned in the beginning and at times it did not feel good. As I look back, if this was the path that we had to take to get us to Grant - I would do it again and again. The kind of God that says ask and then doesn't give is the God that has plans so much bigger than my little mind can comprehend. I have also never felt so loved by my Savior - he is truly more than enough and we do not have any idea of the grandness of what he has in store for ALL of us.

Thank you God for Faith's family and for the huge impact that tiny little girl made in my heart!

I have never been so ready to go and get my son.


UPDATE: The floors I scrubbed are spotless - just in case you were wondering :).