Pink or Blue?

This is day I delivered Amelia, standing in her BLUE nursery.

Anticipating the arrival of our next child is very exciting. I am one of those people who love surprises and everything leading up to them. We found out the gender of our child the first four times - everything HAD to be just perfect. That was when I was in my prime as a perfectionist. The fifth time I was okay to just let it go, it was a complete surprise. Please do not be mistaken, I did have a boy and girl wardrobe all ready to go just in case. I am not sure if anyone believed we did not know what we were having - the nursery could have been that indication. I tried so hard to do a neutral nursery, but I think deep down inside I thought it was a boy. I had many ultrasounds so if tempted, I could have found out. Although I thought it was a boy, I did not have a preference. I cried tears of joy when they said, "It's a girl!"

Amelia Ashley only minutes old

The truth about me is deep down inside there is a part of me that is quite intimidated by mothering a boy. I grew up an only child somewhat a tomboy, but I have never seen a son mothered. I understand girls and although mine are all so different, on most days I get where they are coming from. The older girls are a lot of emotional work and there are many days I am also emotionally challenged - those are difficult days to say the least. The girls tend to need a lot more praise and validation - am I pretty? did I do a good job? am I special? how am I special? Where as my son is so okay with who he is. His ability to receive love is not based on any condition. He is secure. Quinn needs affection, one on one time and a sword fight here an there, but other than than, he is very content - unless it is nap time.

The reality is I enjoy the challenge and the reflection of myself with the girls and the easy and adventure of my son. God's creation is beautiful!

Boy or girl, I just cannot wait!! I pray for patience.

Happy Memorial Day!

Annabel loves that she is old enough to have oven duty.

Grace is such a careful and tidy cook.

Olivia is a taster.

This is what Amelia's pizza looked like before she took it all apart.

A good cook is a messy cook!

The rain has not let up in the south. We had big plans to spend the entire weekend at the pool, but instead we were able to clean out the children's closets and drawers! It feels wonderful to have things in order and drawers that close! With 5 children this task tends to take a couple of half days and this time I let them in on the fun. We would all tackle each room and closet together - cannot believe I did not think of a group effort before. Even little Amelia was a help at times - if you do not count her pouring liquid Tid@ into the dog's bowl while sitting on the stairs. She was at a very bad angle, which resulted in the liquid missing most of the bowl. Concentrated laundry detergent is very difficult to get up.

Today I could have kept going, but being the sweet mama that I am (LOL) I decided they could help make their own dinner. We did end the day in the kitchen together making pizza and strawberry shortcake.

We are planning on leaving for our annual "spring break" trip to the lake very soon. I think that is how I justified such a chore filled weekend.

Logged In!

We were officially logged-in with the CCAA on May 21st. It was very difficult for us to take this step for many reasons.  One reason was that we can no longer look at other agencies' private lists of waiting children.  Even though we love our agency, we have been looking at children (one in particular) held at another agency.  We will now look at only our agency's private list.  If there is not a good match there, we will have to wait for them to receive their next private list, or they can try to match us from a shared list that comes out about every month.

Our agency is waiting on their "private" list right now and it should arrive any day. Their list will have about 25 children with major and minor special needs. The great thing about this list is we will have plenty of time to have a specialist review the files if there is one we are interested in. The "shared" list is a whole different story. The shared list is a large list of children with anything from minor to serious special needs.  This list is posted just about every month by the CCAA. The problem is that it is basically unannounced.  Once they start posting the names, they begin to trickle out around 6 - 7 PM PST, and this continues until around 2 AM PST. So, assuming our agency coordinator even knows it is happening, she would have to work very late in order to see if there is possibly a file they would want to "lock" for us.  There are many other agencies around the world anxiously awaiting the release of these files every month, so when the list starts trickling out everyone around the world is competing for the same files. It is crazy!!!  To make matters worse, if you lock on the shared list, you have to decide IN 48 HOURS if that is the child you want to adopt.  It is quite a difficult process.   Through both their private list and the shared list, our agency will be looking for our baby.

We are open to a boy or a girl, which to some may sound a bit crazy.   Our arms are wide open to what ever God has for us.  Whether boy or girl, we are praying we will have a face to see soon!  Skip has commented more than once that I am behaving like I am seven months pregnant.  Somedays I feel like I can not wait any longer!  Some weeks are endless without any signs, lots of false labor thinking that today is the day.  I am really hoping it is more like 8.5 months pregnant - there is nothing we can do but wait.

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Congratulations Little Graduate!

Quinn's preschool celebrated their graduation last night with a wonderful musical performance and a party!


Quinn's class was celebrated by his younger sister, Amelia. Amelia was so excited to take the stage and very reluctant to leave.
A couple of times we wondered if she was going to tumble off the 10 inch platform. She loved singing and dancing for a room full of people. Wondering where she gets that ?????

Same place she gets this! When I say, "Smile Amelia!"

Patiently waiting for his turn on stage.
I love his little friend's face. It was very difficult for me to not run up there and tuck in his shirt. I wish I had a full view of him because he is also wearing flip flops. We were running late and we could not find his shoes. So the flip flops and untucked shirt go together quite well.

Quinn is such a precious boy. Just about every day begins with him coming into my room while I am having quiet time. He will climb up on the bed and cuddle - so sweet. There are times when he hold my face in is little hands and say, "Mama, I love you." So sweet!

He has such a close relationship with each of his sisters, especially Grace who is only 15 months older. It is such a blessing to see the love between them - small glimpses.

Although he is surrounded by girls, he is all boy (except for some of the dress up). When he comes down stairs in them morning he is either carrying a light saber or some form of a sword. One of his proudest moments was this year when he presented me with a purple light saber for my birthday - had no idea they make purple light sabers!

We are so proud of you buddy! Congratulations on graduating from 3-K!

Terrific Tuesday!

This is a wonderful gift I received this morning from my dear friend Elizabeth. It makes me smile and tear up at the same time. There are six! and they are on a straight path! Thank you my sweet friend.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Wacky Wednesday!

Quinn would agree that there are some benefits to having 4 sisters. Quinn was the "winner" (according to him) at his preschool's WW competition. I am not quite sure it was a competition, but his sisters were determined, just in case! Quinn was so proud sporting his one princess shoe and barrette. You cannot tell, but Amelia had her shirt on backwards - Mom did not do as well.

Monthly Update!

I do not know why I have not posted in a month. I think it is because of the major work God is doing on my heart right now - sometimes it is too real.

In the last month I was able to travel to the big city to attend a home schooling conference with one of my dearest friends. We had so much fun and thanks to her sweet husband we had a 5 course meal at one of the best restaurants in the big city. I love getting away. It was so funny how I went to look at curriculum, but ended up really looking at ways to teach my children character. WHAT IS CHARACTER??? I really think God has put it on my heart to build on who he is and what He wants for them, instead of all the academics, which I tend think are so important. I know there is a balance and like most things in my life, eventually I will find that balance even if it is only for one week.

We have asked our oldest daughter, Olivia, if she would like to go back to school - SHE SAID YES! Oh my heart was crushed. (am I not the perfect teacher?????) I knew she wanted to go back and that is why I asked. I also know she will do well at school or at home. Olivia is very black and white, believes in justice, has a huge heart, and does not waiver on who she is in Christ. She is so tiny, but her imagination and goals are huge! She loves school, rules, a lot of friends, class pets (real animals:)) and new challenges. We continue to pray and trust God will lead us to all make the right decision.

We travelled to Utah for my grandmother's funeral. It was beautiful and so sad. My father was the primary care taker for her for years and he is having such a difficult time. She is whole and totality healed now, unfortunately those words do not help grief.

Getting out to Utah was most interesting. We decided to take Quinn (4) and Amelia (2). We thought we would save some money by letting Amelia sit on our laps. We incurred $700 over the amount of buying her a regular seat. When we were boarding the plane, they asked if she was 24 months. I told them she was 2 - that is what the on-line ticketing asked. FYI - the regulations are 24 months - not 2.5 years(29moths)! I do not know about you, but once my children reach 2, I stop counting months! Amelia got a one way ticket there and a one way ticket back!!! Quinn and Amelia spent most of their time with my mother's parents and had a ball! It was wonderful seeing everyone and celebrating my grandmother's life!

The adoption front . . . UHHHH. . . this is the most tender place in my heart. After praying and praying, we have decided to not adopt Kevin. Everything in me wants to go get him, my mother's heart cries for him, but he is not ours. I am trusting that God has such an awesome plan for Kevin and my mother's heart will continue to cry out on his behalf. We have been praying about setting up a grant for his adoption - I do not know if that is my heart or God leading us to help Kevin in this way. I have seen how grants for adoption have helped so many people and I also know that in adoption, God always provides the money. We will continue to pray.

But, we did finally send our dossier to CHINA!!!!! I hope we will be logged in in about a week or so. Faith's orphanage still has not contacted New Day to say she has a family and to my knowledge the family has not contacted ND. I do not know why. I do know that the only direction we have ever received from God concerning this adoption was to pursue Faith and log in with AAI. We have been faithful to what he has called us to do and our hearts are open to any direction He wants to take us, but we have not received any further directions. We wait. I know his plan is GRAND and he that he LOVES Faith and us. I continue to pray for the family that has her file and at the same time I struggle as to why after hearing our story they did not give up her file. Why was the path to Faith one of the clearest journeys I have ever been on with God? I cannot wait to look back on this journey and really understand and oh to see Faith with her forever family will be wonderful!

Off to horseback riding!

The Barefoot Boy

My precious son,

Blessings on thee, little man, 

Barefoot boy, with cheek of tan!

With thy turned up-pantaloons,

and thy merry whistled tunes;

With thy red lip, redder still,

With sunshine on thy face, . . .

For, eschewing books and tasks,

Nature answers all he asks,

Hand in hand with her he walks,

Face to face with her he talks,

Part and parcel of her joy, -

Blessings on the barefoot boy!

John Greenleaf Whittier

Traveling Many Miles West

On Easter afternoon I received a call from my father telling me of my grandmother's passing.  She was 87 years old and had recently fallen and broken her hip.  After hip surgery it was very difficult for her body to recover from the trauma.  

As I have been preparing to head  3,000 miles west, I am very sad, but I have loved how my mind has been flooded with some really fond memories of her.

As a little girl, she would always tell me stories about a princess and a prince charming and as I laid in her lap, she would play with my ears.  I remember her hands were so soft.  She would tell me one day my prince would come, and he did.

She could throw wonderful Sunday afternoon parties!  I was always in charge of preparing the relish tray.  At every family get together, I would get out her rectangular glass dish and arrange the small pickles and olives.  She was so patient with me as I spilled all over her table cloths.  I never remember her saying, "are your hands clean?"   "don't put all the olives on the tips of your fingers before you put them on the tray" 

She always had licorice - strawberry, chocolate and original.  My favorite candy is the world is strawberry licorice!  I LOVE strawberry licorice!

She was the most fashionable person I ever knew.  She had A LOT of clothes and she delighted in me playing dress-up in them. -  I would make such a mess of her closets and have her accessorise strung all over the house.  She never fussed, nor did she make me clean up my mess.

She bought me my first pair of high heels.  BIG DAY!!!!

Her hands were beautiful and her nails were always manicured. 

She made the best oatmeal - I know how she made it, but it still is not the same.

She grew big beautiful fragrant roses.

She would let me take her beautiful museum quality dolls to my first grade show-in-tell.  

She had a foil Christmas tree - I have always wanted one.

She always had a pot of coffee heated.

She always had time for me and  I rarely remember her telling me "NO."

She never owned a dishwasher and her sink never had dirty dishes sitting in it.

I could go on and on . . .  oh how I am so thankful for the wonderful memories of her.  

She will be very very missed!

Waiting

I would love for waiting to feel good all the time.  I would love to wait graciously.  I would love to never panic because of uncertainty.   I would love to never push to make things happen.  I would love to rest in Him - every second of the day - regardless of what I am feeling or seeing.  I would love to live out what I know in my heart - that is HE IS GOOD!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

This is the verse God gave me after Valentine's day.  Right now we do not see any paths, we have forced some and ended up right back where we started.    Our hearts are open to his plan, however, I desperately want something to give - oh just to hear specific direction or just to see His face.

Over the last month we have found comfort in a book called Sky Edge, by W. Phillip Keller.  It is an amazing book!

There is a chapter called Eagles in the Wind - for anyone who has been told to wait, it is so beautiful and encouraging.

Speaking of eagles:

"So they sit quietly, not fretting or worrying about whether the will be taken aloft.  They know they will be.  They renew their strength while they wait.

This is the picture of a Christian passing through the dark hours of danger and discouragement.  All around him he can sense the chill downdrafts of frustration and reverses.  It seems God's face is hidden from him and he cannot see ahead.  Yet he need not be despondent. Rather, this is the time to wait for the Lord, to rest in the confidence that He is true to Himself in utter FAITHFULNESS.

Then it is that the first rays of morning sunshine reach the crest of the cliff and touch the eagle's feathers.  He shakes himself, fluffs this plumage and with new interest watches the valley below him fill with golden light.  Since he knew this would happen, his calm waiting has restored strength and renewed his vigor.

At first, almost imperceptibly, but growing ever stronger, he fells the warm air currents rising around him, lifting gently from the valley floor past his perch.

Presently the regal bird spreads his wings and launches himself confidently into space.  At once the thermal currents are bearing up beneath his wings and he rides them splendidly.  By deliberate effort the eagle keeps himself in the center of the updrafts, rising higher and higher, borne aloft, mounting ever upward until he is lost to sight.

What a sublime etching of this is of the Christian in his relationship to God.  On the outstretched wings of prayer and praises he launches himself out upon the promises of God, depending on the great updrafts of His faithfulness to bear him up. . . The updrafts of God's faithfulness are forever.  It is up to us to rest upon that faithfulness. "  

These words are a revelation every time I read them - the entire chapter is incredible.  It brings me so much comfort and renewal.  I do hope it also speaks to some else - needing to be reminded why waiting is good. 

Waiting on Miracles

Grace

A couple of weeks ago I took Grace, our five year old daughter,  to get her eyes examined. Grace has begged us for glasses, she wants to be just like her older sisters and she has even picked out some cute little princess sparkling frames.  Skip and I just laugh, because it would take a miracle for Grace to ever need glasses.

As I made the appointment, I thought it was probably bad that it had been 4.5 years since Grace had been to the eye doctor.  We probably should not have waited that long. 

It was in October of 2003, Grace was 2 months old, and I took her in for her well check-up.  I had  decided to piggy back the appointment and bring Annabel (3) because I suspected an ear infection.   That day I could only think about Annabel's ears and how disappointed I would be if we had another ear infection.  As the doctor examined Grace, he asked, "does she smile at you?, does she wince at the light?, is she making any eye contact?" - My answer was, "no" to every question.

Grace was the perfect baby.  She did not spit up, she was the best sleeper, she rarely cried, wonderful eater - she was the perfect baby!  

He pulled out his flashlight and did a series of test and said, "she has no visual perception and she has no light perception."  I responded, "okay, could you please check Annabel's ears, I think she has an ear infection." 

The next thing I remembered was talking to Skip on the phone saying emotionless, "well, Grace cannot see, but Annabel doesn't have an ear infection."  He kept asking me to repeat what I had said.  It took some time for the reality of the news to sink in.  It took one of my dearest friends saying, "Ashley, this is a problem."  After that I crumbled!  That night a group of women showed up at our house to pray for Grace.  They prayed bold prayers for healing.  I could not even get the words out of my mouth.  I was so terrified and I kept saying, "Oh, please let it be me God."  I would cry and cry because I wanted so badly to ask him to heal her, but I did not think I had the faith that it took to ask something that big.  I felt like my measure of faith would be the determining factor.

We took Grace to an eye doctor, who after looking at her optic nerve said, "it is too small and the optic nerve is not something that grows and develops.  She is blind."  We had an army of believers who stood in the gap for us and prayed for her sweet eyes - I am so thankful for their love for God and us!  We made arrangements to see a pediatric ophthalmologist  3 weeks later in another city.

Anyway, during this wait, one day at church we went to the little private altar where prayer warriors prayed for people during communion.  That day, a wonderful man named, Mr. King prayed the sweetest prayer for Grace, and when Skip and I walked away, we knew then that it was going to be okay, but we weren't quite sure what okay looked like.

Reading Carrie's post Too Afraid to Whisper  has reminded me of this wonderful place in our story.  

I will write part II tomorrow.

Clinging

Hetrotaxy is a condition where the organs are not arrange inside the body correctly.  There are three different types. (I will only explain one type because I do not understand the others.) Our family is pursuing to adopt a little boy with situs inversus  heterotaxy.  The organs in his body are a mirror image of normal.  This arrangement is okay with most of the organs, however, this poses a challenge for the heart.  Most children with heterotaxy suffer from congenital heart disease ranging from minor to severe.

This sweet little baby has a severe heart condition called complete atrioventricular canal defect.  He has one large valve leading into the heart instead of two.  Both main arteries leading out of the heart arise from one pumping chamber, rather than one artery for each pumping chamber.

The heterotaxy is not the giant for him, but the heart condition is.  We are praying that in his 22 months that his heart has healed itself in order to avoid lung damage.  On Tuesday he will have an angiogram to explore in detail his heart and lungs.  

Please pray for him and his doctors on Monday night (if you live in the states) as he will have his angiogram on Tuesday in China.

We continue to take this adoption one day at a time.  We are continually amazed that we are able to venture out on this journey.  It has been so different than we ever imagined and we have no idea what is ahead.  We do know we serve a mighty God and his plans for this baby and for us are good.

We are learning that our  job is to do the best we can walking in faith and then the rest is up to God.  We are truly clinging on to God for direction.  He has been so patient and faithful to lead us.  We said we would continue on this path until the doors closed, so far he has led us through every threshold we have passed - the doors are not even present, unless we allow fear to enter.

We would absolutely delight in having this little guy as our son,  but we also know this has to be God's will and not our own.  There are days I am overcome with the idea of facing all the giants in this little guy's life, however, God is much bigger than what we think we are seeing.  And he is a healer.

The journey of faith continues and at times I am so very stretched.  It is at these times I am reminded that faith is not about what I see.  

I love this verse and will continue praying it over his life:

This is what the Lord says-

he who made you, who formed you in the womb, 

and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.  

For I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.  

They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams.

One will say I belong to the Lord; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; 

still another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's' and will take the name Israel.

Isaiah 44:2-5

I Want a Map

Saturday, I took our oldest daughter on an overnight trip to a beautiful place in the woods.  Not to be misleading, we did stay in a hotel, but we spent most of our time outdoors riding bikes on paved paths.  It was such a beautiful day and it felt wonderful to be away from life.  I enjoyed driving out of town with no reminders of the grief or a BIG decision to be made.

Right now our adoption paperwork is complete and we are waiting on God for direction.  We are at a crossroad and I desperately want a map to make out what is ahead and where we are going with this adoption.

While Olivia and I were riding bikes on the trails it felt so free, but every once in a while we would come to a place and I really wished we would have asked the bike rental place for a map. We would go a little further and I would wonder how far we had gone, or we would start to climb a small mountain and again the freedom would leave and I wished we had a map.    

I realized then that in this adoption journey, if I would have had a map, I would have never ventured out on the journey or if I did, I would have been full of fear.   The map would have shown areas of my life that God chose this particular time to work on.   These areas have been very difficult to look at and address.  He has used this time to examine the foundations of my marriage, of being a mother and how I feel He views me.  These are all places that rest at the core of my heart and I believe that where He is taking us, there is no room for broken foundations.  This journey has had some very dark times with many tears shed and a time where I have walked very closely and honestly with Christ.  I do feel as a result my marriage is so much stronger and I am much more in touch with each of my children.  I fully appreciate the difference between a house and a home and  I love my family and cherish them at such a deeper level.  Yes, I can look back on this part with a very grateful heart.

The latest part of the journey has taken me to a place in my heart where I could either believe God is good or He is not good.  In my moments of sadness about Faith I have questioned Him and He gently takes me to a memory where I perceived something as being terrible, and in time, it became a blessing.    The truth is that I wanted to write the story and I could have written a great one!  I do know His stories are much better and despite my fits, He also pulls me close and shows me how much He deeply and intimately loves me.  In fact, as a dear friend pointed out during a time of prayer this week, in the same way that I am especially fond of Faith, He is especially fond of me, and there is not a great difference between my pursuit of Faith and His pursuit for me - except He is God and I am not.  He desires for me to be His beloved daughter, just like I desire Faith to be mine... only His love is deeper, purer, and more perfect!  That is so much to receive and I so want that desire to bring me comfort - regardless.  I want to rest there in that very realization, but  is very difficult right now.  

I want a map because I am so confused and disappointed.  If I had a map, maybe I would understand and I could see the bigger picture.  I could protect my heart and avoid difficulties.  But the walk is not about understanding, it is about believing He is good, regardless of the story and believing that He has not let me down and never will.  Walking closely with Him is the map.

I do desire calmer terrain and perhaps this waiting will strengthen us for the journey ahead.

Faith is not just believing He can, it is knowing he will.