I Want a Map

Saturday, I took our oldest daughter on an overnight trip to a beautiful place in the woods.  Not to be misleading, we did stay in a hotel, but we spent most of our time outdoors riding bikes on paved paths.  It was such a beautiful day and it felt wonderful to be away from life.  I enjoyed driving out of town with no reminders of the grief or a BIG decision to be made.

Right now our adoption paperwork is complete and we are waiting on God for direction.  We are at a crossroad and I desperately want a map to make out what is ahead and where we are going with this adoption.

While Olivia and I were riding bikes on the trails it felt so free, but every once in a while we would come to a place and I really wished we would have asked the bike rental place for a map. We would go a little further and I would wonder how far we had gone, or we would start to climb a small mountain and again the freedom would leave and I wished we had a map.    

I realized then that in this adoption journey, if I would have had a map, I would have never ventured out on the journey or if I did, I would have been full of fear.   The map would have shown areas of my life that God chose this particular time to work on.   These areas have been very difficult to look at and address.  He has used this time to examine the foundations of my marriage, of being a mother and how I feel He views me.  These are all places that rest at the core of my heart and I believe that where He is taking us, there is no room for broken foundations.  This journey has had some very dark times with many tears shed and a time where I have walked very closely and honestly with Christ.  I do feel as a result my marriage is so much stronger and I am much more in touch with each of my children.  I fully appreciate the difference between a house and a home and  I love my family and cherish them at such a deeper level.  Yes, I can look back on this part with a very grateful heart.

The latest part of the journey has taken me to a place in my heart where I could either believe God is good or He is not good.  In my moments of sadness about Faith I have questioned Him and He gently takes me to a memory where I perceived something as being terrible, and in time, it became a blessing.    The truth is that I wanted to write the story and I could have written a great one!  I do know His stories are much better and despite my fits, He also pulls me close and shows me how much He deeply and intimately loves me.  In fact, as a dear friend pointed out during a time of prayer this week, in the same way that I am especially fond of Faith, He is especially fond of me, and there is not a great difference between my pursuit of Faith and His pursuit for me - except He is God and I am not.  He desires for me to be His beloved daughter, just like I desire Faith to be mine... only His love is deeper, purer, and more perfect!  That is so much to receive and I so want that desire to bring me comfort - regardless.  I want to rest there in that very realization, but  is very difficult right now.  

I want a map because I am so confused and disappointed.  If I had a map, maybe I would understand and I could see the bigger picture.  I could protect my heart and avoid difficulties.  But the walk is not about understanding, it is about believing He is good, regardless of the story and believing that He has not let me down and never will.  Walking closely with Him is the map.

I do desire calmer terrain and perhaps this waiting will strengthen us for the journey ahead.

Faith is not just believing He can, it is knowing he will.