Traveling Many Miles West

On Easter afternoon I received a call from my father telling me of my grandmother's passing.  She was 87 years old and had recently fallen and broken her hip.  After hip surgery it was very difficult for her body to recover from the trauma.  

As I have been preparing to head  3,000 miles west, I am very sad, but I have loved how my mind has been flooded with some really fond memories of her.

As a little girl, she would always tell me stories about a princess and a prince charming and as I laid in her lap, she would play with my ears.  I remember her hands were so soft.  She would tell me one day my prince would come, and he did.

She could throw wonderful Sunday afternoon parties!  I was always in charge of preparing the relish tray.  At every family get together, I would get out her rectangular glass dish and arrange the small pickles and olives.  She was so patient with me as I spilled all over her table cloths.  I never remember her saying, "are your hands clean?"   "don't put all the olives on the tips of your fingers before you put them on the tray" 

She always had licorice - strawberry, chocolate and original.  My favorite candy is the world is strawberry licorice!  I LOVE strawberry licorice!

She was the most fashionable person I ever knew.  She had A LOT of clothes and she delighted in me playing dress-up in them. -  I would make such a mess of her closets and have her accessorise strung all over the house.  She never fussed, nor did she make me clean up my mess.

She bought me my first pair of high heels.  BIG DAY!!!!

Her hands were beautiful and her nails were always manicured. 

She made the best oatmeal - I know how she made it, but it still is not the same.

She grew big beautiful fragrant roses.

She would let me take her beautiful museum quality dolls to my first grade show-in-tell.  

She had a foil Christmas tree - I have always wanted one.

She always had a pot of coffee heated.

She always had time for me and  I rarely remember her telling me "NO."

She never owned a dishwasher and her sink never had dirty dishes sitting in it.

I could go on and on . . .  oh how I am so thankful for the wonderful memories of her.  

She will be very very missed!

Waiting

I would love for waiting to feel good all the time.  I would love to wait graciously.  I would love to never panic because of uncertainty.   I would love to never push to make things happen.  I would love to rest in Him - every second of the day - regardless of what I am feeling or seeing.  I would love to live out what I know in my heart - that is HE IS GOOD!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

This is the verse God gave me after Valentine's day.  Right now we do not see any paths, we have forced some and ended up right back where we started.    Our hearts are open to his plan, however, I desperately want something to give - oh just to hear specific direction or just to see His face.

Over the last month we have found comfort in a book called Sky Edge, by W. Phillip Keller.  It is an amazing book!

There is a chapter called Eagles in the Wind - for anyone who has been told to wait, it is so beautiful and encouraging.

Speaking of eagles:

"So they sit quietly, not fretting or worrying about whether the will be taken aloft.  They know they will be.  They renew their strength while they wait.

This is the picture of a Christian passing through the dark hours of danger and discouragement.  All around him he can sense the chill downdrafts of frustration and reverses.  It seems God's face is hidden from him and he cannot see ahead.  Yet he need not be despondent. Rather, this is the time to wait for the Lord, to rest in the confidence that He is true to Himself in utter FAITHFULNESS.

Then it is that the first rays of morning sunshine reach the crest of the cliff and touch the eagle's feathers.  He shakes himself, fluffs this plumage and with new interest watches the valley below him fill with golden light.  Since he knew this would happen, his calm waiting has restored strength and renewed his vigor.

At first, almost imperceptibly, but growing ever stronger, he fells the warm air currents rising around him, lifting gently from the valley floor past his perch.

Presently the regal bird spreads his wings and launches himself confidently into space.  At once the thermal currents are bearing up beneath his wings and he rides them splendidly.  By deliberate effort the eagle keeps himself in the center of the updrafts, rising higher and higher, borne aloft, mounting ever upward until he is lost to sight.

What a sublime etching of this is of the Christian in his relationship to God.  On the outstretched wings of prayer and praises he launches himself out upon the promises of God, depending on the great updrafts of His faithfulness to bear him up. . . The updrafts of God's faithfulness are forever.  It is up to us to rest upon that faithfulness. "  

These words are a revelation every time I read them - the entire chapter is incredible.  It brings me so much comfort and renewal.  I do hope it also speaks to some else - needing to be reminded why waiting is good. 

Waiting on Miracles

Grace

A couple of weeks ago I took Grace, our five year old daughter,  to get her eyes examined. Grace has begged us for glasses, she wants to be just like her older sisters and she has even picked out some cute little princess sparkling frames.  Skip and I just laugh, because it would take a miracle for Grace to ever need glasses.

As I made the appointment, I thought it was probably bad that it had been 4.5 years since Grace had been to the eye doctor.  We probably should not have waited that long. 

It was in October of 2003, Grace was 2 months old, and I took her in for her well check-up.  I had  decided to piggy back the appointment and bring Annabel (3) because I suspected an ear infection.   That day I could only think about Annabel's ears and how disappointed I would be if we had another ear infection.  As the doctor examined Grace, he asked, "does she smile at you?, does she wince at the light?, is she making any eye contact?" - My answer was, "no" to every question.

Grace was the perfect baby.  She did not spit up, she was the best sleeper, she rarely cried, wonderful eater - she was the perfect baby!  

He pulled out his flashlight and did a series of test and said, "she has no visual perception and she has no light perception."  I responded, "okay, could you please check Annabel's ears, I think she has an ear infection." 

The next thing I remembered was talking to Skip on the phone saying emotionless, "well, Grace cannot see, but Annabel doesn't have an ear infection."  He kept asking me to repeat what I had said.  It took some time for the reality of the news to sink in.  It took one of my dearest friends saying, "Ashley, this is a problem."  After that I crumbled!  That night a group of women showed up at our house to pray for Grace.  They prayed bold prayers for healing.  I could not even get the words out of my mouth.  I was so terrified and I kept saying, "Oh, please let it be me God."  I would cry and cry because I wanted so badly to ask him to heal her, but I did not think I had the faith that it took to ask something that big.  I felt like my measure of faith would be the determining factor.

We took Grace to an eye doctor, who after looking at her optic nerve said, "it is too small and the optic nerve is not something that grows and develops.  She is blind."  We had an army of believers who stood in the gap for us and prayed for her sweet eyes - I am so thankful for their love for God and us!  We made arrangements to see a pediatric ophthalmologist  3 weeks later in another city.

Anyway, during this wait, one day at church we went to the little private altar where prayer warriors prayed for people during communion.  That day, a wonderful man named, Mr. King prayed the sweetest prayer for Grace, and when Skip and I walked away, we knew then that it was going to be okay, but we weren't quite sure what okay looked like.

Reading Carrie's post Too Afraid to Whisper  has reminded me of this wonderful place in our story.  

I will write part II tomorrow.

Clinging

Hetrotaxy is a condition where the organs are not arrange inside the body correctly.  There are three different types. (I will only explain one type because I do not understand the others.) Our family is pursuing to adopt a little boy with situs inversus  heterotaxy.  The organs in his body are a mirror image of normal.  This arrangement is okay with most of the organs, however, this poses a challenge for the heart.  Most children with heterotaxy suffer from congenital heart disease ranging from minor to severe.

This sweet little baby has a severe heart condition called complete atrioventricular canal defect.  He has one large valve leading into the heart instead of two.  Both main arteries leading out of the heart arise from one pumping chamber, rather than one artery for each pumping chamber.

The heterotaxy is not the giant for him, but the heart condition is.  We are praying that in his 22 months that his heart has healed itself in order to avoid lung damage.  On Tuesday he will have an angiogram to explore in detail his heart and lungs.  

Please pray for him and his doctors on Monday night (if you live in the states) as he will have his angiogram on Tuesday in China.

We continue to take this adoption one day at a time.  We are continually amazed that we are able to venture out on this journey.  It has been so different than we ever imagined and we have no idea what is ahead.  We do know we serve a mighty God and his plans for this baby and for us are good.

We are learning that our  job is to do the best we can walking in faith and then the rest is up to God.  We are truly clinging on to God for direction.  He has been so patient and faithful to lead us.  We said we would continue on this path until the doors closed, so far he has led us through every threshold we have passed - the doors are not even present, unless we allow fear to enter.

We would absolutely delight in having this little guy as our son,  but we also know this has to be God's will and not our own.  There are days I am overcome with the idea of facing all the giants in this little guy's life, however, God is much bigger than what we think we are seeing.  And he is a healer.

The journey of faith continues and at times I am so very stretched.  It is at these times I am reminded that faith is not about what I see.  

I love this verse and will continue praying it over his life:

This is what the Lord says-

he who made you, who formed you in the womb, 

and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.  

For I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.  

They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams.

One will say I belong to the Lord; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; 

still another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's' and will take the name Israel.

Isaiah 44:2-5

I Want a Map

Saturday, I took our oldest daughter on an overnight trip to a beautiful place in the woods.  Not to be misleading, we did stay in a hotel, but we spent most of our time outdoors riding bikes on paved paths.  It was such a beautiful day and it felt wonderful to be away from life.  I enjoyed driving out of town with no reminders of the grief or a BIG decision to be made.

Right now our adoption paperwork is complete and we are waiting on God for direction.  We are at a crossroad and I desperately want a map to make out what is ahead and where we are going with this adoption.

While Olivia and I were riding bikes on the trails it felt so free, but every once in a while we would come to a place and I really wished we would have asked the bike rental place for a map. We would go a little further and I would wonder how far we had gone, or we would start to climb a small mountain and again the freedom would leave and I wished we had a map.    

I realized then that in this adoption journey, if I would have had a map, I would have never ventured out on the journey or if I did, I would have been full of fear.   The map would have shown areas of my life that God chose this particular time to work on.   These areas have been very difficult to look at and address.  He has used this time to examine the foundations of my marriage, of being a mother and how I feel He views me.  These are all places that rest at the core of my heart and I believe that where He is taking us, there is no room for broken foundations.  This journey has had some very dark times with many tears shed and a time where I have walked very closely and honestly with Christ.  I do feel as a result my marriage is so much stronger and I am much more in touch with each of my children.  I fully appreciate the difference between a house and a home and  I love my family and cherish them at such a deeper level.  Yes, I can look back on this part with a very grateful heart.

The latest part of the journey has taken me to a place in my heart where I could either believe God is good or He is not good.  In my moments of sadness about Faith I have questioned Him and He gently takes me to a memory where I perceived something as being terrible, and in time, it became a blessing.    The truth is that I wanted to write the story and I could have written a great one!  I do know His stories are much better and despite my fits, He also pulls me close and shows me how much He deeply and intimately loves me.  In fact, as a dear friend pointed out during a time of prayer this week, in the same way that I am especially fond of Faith, He is especially fond of me, and there is not a great difference between my pursuit of Faith and His pursuit for me - except He is God and I am not.  He desires for me to be His beloved daughter, just like I desire Faith to be mine... only His love is deeper, purer, and more perfect!  That is so much to receive and I so want that desire to bring me comfort - regardless.  I want to rest there in that very realization, but  is very difficult right now.  

I want a map because I am so confused and disappointed.  If I had a map, maybe I would understand and I could see the bigger picture.  I could protect my heart and avoid difficulties.  But the walk is not about understanding, it is about believing He is good, regardless of the story and believing that He has not let me down and never will.  Walking closely with Him is the map.

I do desire calmer terrain and perhaps this waiting will strengthen us for the journey ahead.

Faith is not just believing He can, it is knowing he will.

I Would Gather Children

Some would gather money

Along the path of life

Some would gather roses,

And rest from worldly strife.

But I would gather children

From among the thorns of sin,

I would seek a golden curl,

And a freckled, toothless grin.

For money cannot enter

In that land of endless day,

And roses that are gathered

Soon will wilt along the way.

But oh, the laughing children,

As I cross the sunset sea,

And the gates swing wide to heaven,

I can take them in with me!

Author Unknown

Praise be to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  Eph 1:1

I love this picture.  I really think it captures what it is going to be like when we are in Heaven.  I cannot believe how abundantly God has also blessed us here on earth.  Thank you everyone who lifted prayers on our behalf.  It has been a very difficult few days switching from grief to hope to grief again.   It has also been a sweet time as a family, where we are able to cry and take turns praying for each other.  I delight in knowing that although our children hurt, they know the goodness of God and that He is collecting every tear.    

I do not know why this happened, I do not know why he so clearly called us  to pursue Faith,   but we would not go back and change anything.  Our time as a part of Faith's life has been a blessing.  Her beautiful brown eyes sent an invitation to our hearts into a world that I love.  I love being a part of the lives of orphans! and I will always love her.

We are strongly believing that God has something so wonderful in store for Faith and for us and every ounce of hope we have is in Him.

Giants

Yesterday another family locked Faith's file.  Faith is the little girl we have relentlessly pursued to adopt.  It hurts so deeply because of our desire for her to be apart of our family.  We love her and trust His almighty power, but still we grieve.  Our oldest daughter came into my room last night and asked if she could give me something, she sang some lyrics from the song you are hearing and said, "mama I just wanted you to have this."  

The Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes 
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name 
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times 
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus: 
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name 
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times 
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

God is so good and his peace and love surrounds us.

Winter Weather Advisory FOR OUR AREA!

Early Sunday Morning

March 1st is a very marked day in our lives.  March 1st 2007 is the day a tornado destroyed our home.  This weekend I have been full of so much emotion.   I am so grateful to be celebrating life with my family and at the same time I greive such a loss.   I am sad because of a lot of decisions we made when we rebuilt our lives and I carry a weight of fear wondering if we will ever have to hear those horrific sounds a,gain.  Wondering if we will ever have to pick up the scattered  memories and  pieces of our lives - the pain is still raw.

Yesterday morning after my time of prayers and reflections of how far we have come, the weather radio and television told us to get to our safe place quickly.  A tornado was on the ground less than 30 miles away.  I am so thankful of how far God has brought us.  Our children no longer panic - such a huge victory.  We sat in our "safe room" for about 15 minutes . . . listening, trying to detect what the stillness outside would bring.  While we were in there we heard a report on the of a panic women describing what looked like a war zone, "it's  a two story house and the top floor is torn off, the roof is gone and I can see inside of the house.  There are trees down all over, it is terrible."  That same story was us 2 years ago. 

It is early Sunday morning and the children are all still asleep.  The house will soon be chaotic for the next 1.5 hours as we get ready for church.  This afternoon as we drive home  IT WILL BE SNOWING!  I am so excited I could just dance!!!  I love snow and have prayed for just a bit all winter.  

What an awesome God we serve that He would deliver us the most peaceful and beautiful weather on the anniversary of such a day.

The last snowy weather we had Olivia was 4 and Annabel was 2, they are now 10 and now 8.   Oh, what exciting news!! (WOW we only had two children then!)

Olivia just ran into my room screaming, "IT'S SNOWING!"  PRAISES TO OUR ALMIGHTY FATHER!!!  It even arrived early!

UPDATE

Noon: We rushed home from church, threw on our most wintery clothes and gloves.   We really did not have snow clothes - Grace is wearing knee high soccer socks!  Today was such a celebration of God's goodness!

Photos Taken After Church

Olivia and Grace

Amelia was very confused and uncertain.

No time to sit down for lunch, the girls mouths are full of a quick snack.

Daddy!!!

Annabel on the fast swim float!

FUN

The laundry basket did not work!

I-1800A APPROVED!

Today is a great day!  We are getting so close to sending all of our paperwork to China.

I am back!

Whew, the last month has been very busy.   A big thanks to Danielle for the new design.  I do love it and I feel like it is much more in line with where my life is headed.  SIMPLICITY here I come!   This last month has been a very sweet time of focusing on God's direction for our lives.    I am sorry to say I really filled my life up with so much business and worry and stuff,  that His voice was too far to be heard.  

I am a firm believer that God takes us from better to better.   So with that, we have decided to sell our house, and for those of you who do not know us, our home was just rebuilt after tornado destroyed it.  The idea of leaving this house is very difficult for me.  I loved building this house and I designed this house for our big family and friends - it was my dream.  We have decided to sell it because it is a very big investment and in order to move in the direction we feel He is inviting us to move towards, we have to change our "investment plan."  For us it is moving away from a very selfish lifestyle where we live to satisfy ourselves, to a life that is simpler with less "stuff" a place with more freedom and room to give.  I really believe this shift will allow us to be even closer as a family - yes, proximity too :).  I cannot wait to experience the better!

With all that said, the adoption is really moving along.  We were very sad to learn that our adoption agency had to close their international division.  Through a dear friend, we have found a new agency that has been wonderful to us.  Friday, we shipped all our papers off to the Chinese Consulate in Houston and Monday morning we expect to be I-800a approved!  It takes about 10 days to have the Consulate authenticate all of our papers and then we will be DTC (dossier to China).  We are planning a big DTC celebration!  Hoping we can also soon celebrate our referral.

God is so good and faithful!

Praises

Sing, O Daughter of Zion;  shout aloud, O Isreal!  Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, . . . The Lord your God with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:14-17

Isn't that incredible!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Oh I am so glad to be back in a routine.  My head is so much clearer and the excitement level has stabilized.

I really took Christmas much too causally this year.  What do I mean by that?  Well, I did not enter into the season with enough quiet time and prayer and it really caught up with US in a big way.  

Sunday Morning Before Christmas

Celebrating St. Lucia Day (one week one day  late)

Sunday Morning - Doesn't he look well?

After church things began to take a turn for the worst! After we got home from church, my precious little boy spiked a fever of 103.8 and began crying because he couldn't breath.  The only symptom he had was a cough . . .  for 3 weeks :(  OFF TO THE DOCTOR!

When they checked his vitals, they rushed him back to see the doctor because of his low blood oxygen levels.  The Dr., not so kindly, asked me how long he had been coughing - well, maybe 3 weeks.  I have all girls except for him,  HE IS A BOY and HE IS NEVER SICKLY - He is a tank!  I had no idea he was as sick as he was.  He looked fine that morning.  After a chest x-ray She determined he had pneumonia!  Oh my, oh my, I felt HORRIBLE!!!  I was so thankful she trusted me to go home with him - Hot pink pacifier and all!  (I just grabed what I could while running out the door.  I do not know why he has a pink passie.)

I was planning on holding my boy for the rest of the day and even stopped by the drug store for some new pacifiers (his favorite!).   I cannot tell you how badly I felt.

Just look at that stash of pacifiers!  BLUE

Well, we arrived home, Quinn fell asleep so I decided to make the cookies I had promised to make with girls (for the past three days).  While we were baking I kept fussing at them because there were little water puddles all over the floor.  When I realized NO ONE HAD WATER, I discovered water was seeping through the  joints of the hardwood floors!  Yes, my kitchen was flooding!  Skip had a visitation for a client who passed away, so there I sat watching the kitchen fill up until he got back.  I did not know where the water shut-off valve was.  (I do now). Sunday did end with stress levels a bit elevated.

Monday:  We had no water and workmen workmen workmen and demolition!  The discovery, a sheet rock nail had punctured a copper water pipe - it took the nail a year to rust.  Once it rusted the nail no longer worked as a plug.  It only took tearing up one wall, one cabinet and part of the back splash to discover the TINY hole.  Our one year builder's warranty had just expired two days PRIOR.  Perhaps he will make an exception?

Tuesday: Grace woke up sick - identified by how weak she looked.  She was diagnosed with strep and two days later started barking like a seal -  the croup!  Skip spent the day at the Dr. because of an  upper respiratory infection.  

Christmas morning came and everyone had been on antibiotics long enough - we were all somewhat well except for the barking.  It was so exciting until someone realized Santa left a TOYS R CRAZY receipt on Olivia's  gift - tears!  She was crushed!  I really tried to explain the whole "Santa doesn't do electronics" - I am a bad story teller!  I threw my hands up and admitted defeat -with only her.  She then got the croup Christmas night which led to her throwing up PUMPKIN PIE!  Merry Christmas!

On the heels of all of that, we had family mad at us for changing a certain tradition. Yuck Yuck

I saw these crazy little magnets that said, "He is the reason for the Season."  I think it needs to be revised: "He should be the reason for the season."

I am really thinking about a destination Christmas next year.  We can celebrate on Dec 20th and head off somewhere.

Everyone is now well - Praises.  School is back in session.  We have no news about the adoption.  We continue to pray for the baby God has for us and many other orphans in China. There is one in particular that is very sick right now.  His name is Forest.  Please pray the Dr's will discover what is wrong with this PRECIOUS boy. 

I love praying for all these babies! Oh how their sweet faces have blessed me. I am also so absolutely thankful for this adoption journey.  In just a short time I have seen so much work that needs to be done on my heart, marriage and attitudes. Although difficult to work through, I am grateful for  these discoveries.   Along side of this work He is teaching me such a beautiful lesson about love and the measure in which He loves us - truly difficult to comprehend!  I delight in what is ahead not just because there is a beautiful baby waiting, but because I really do see His work in the bigger picture.  I am truly and humbly thankful that I am His daughter.

Things I want to do this year - fall even more in love with my husband, go and get our baby from China, knit many hats with the girls, visit China as a volunteer, make a trip out west to see family, run a 3 mile race, read the entire Bible, make window treatments for our house and stick to our budget.

This is going to be an exciting and wonderful year!  I cannot wait until next CHRISTMAS!!!