Lots of Passion and Little Mercy

In February my sweet sweet husband was able to go on a GRAND trip out to Colorado to attend John Eldridge's "Boot Camp".  Skip has never taken a luxury trip our entire marriage!  I was so excited for him to go and I just knew he would come back closer than ever to God.  Well, the trip exceed our expectations and  Skip had a wonderful time with God and his friends.  It was so great that he came home and announced that he wanted to know my passion in life so he could help accomplish it!  Wow!  he wants to rescue his bride!!  Skip has the kindest heart I have ever seen in anyone.

I was a little surprised by his enthusiasm for something so crazy, after all I had everything I could want, except for curtains in my bedroom and a Eletrolux Bread Mixer - all in due time.  I even thought he may be a little disappointed in these two passions so I thought about something much bigger like a Saturday car or even better a big diamond ring. Wouldn't that be nice?   Diamonds are beautiful crusted in Desitin -  my not by choice hand lotion.  Anyway, I did tell him I would commit to prayer and really go after my true passion in life.

Well, a couple of weeks went by and all of a sudden my passion hit me with a ton of bricks!  It was none of the above mentioned and I was on fire!  I thought it would be a great idea to announce it on a date at one of our towns 5 star chain restaurants.  We sat down in a booth and I was giddy, excited, thinking I looked really cute.  I could not wait to tell him my new discovery, hidden deep in my heart that God so graciously revealed to me at the request of him, my precious precious husband. 

"Well Skip, I am so excited and I am so glad you went to Wild at Heart.  I have prayed and prayed and I feel alive and happy and oh I cannot wait for you to hear this! I just want you to know that my true true passion in life is to adopt a Special Needs baby - and I really hope it is from China."  Skip was not gazing at me from across the table like I was cute.  His eyes were wider, head tilted slightly, he wasn't smiling, he looked a bit confused and there was a long pause.  SO I continued this time saying, "Isn't God amazing and so good.   I cannot wait for this new journey he is about to take us on - can you believe it?  Skip aren't you fired up by the idea of being parents to 6 children!  We are going to be SOOO blessed with another baby!!!!"  Yall, he never joined the excitement!!  He sat there so confused and said, "What?  What are you talking about?"  I reminded him of the whole speech about me finding my passion.  His response, "No, that is not what I meant, you will have to pick another passion, I was thinking about something fun like moving to Colorado.  I mean umm I am just going to have to think about that one."

Skip has probably told me no three times throughout our 12 years together - usually he will at least say, "let's talk about it."  No such words came out of  his mouth this time.  

"Oh my" was my next response.   I sat at the table and cried and cried and cried  - He was ruining the first entry in our new baby's book!  This is not how I had the night played out in my mind.  I just knew it was going to be this beautiful story about how I told Skip and he gazed at me from across the table and said that is exactly what he had always wanted too . . .  Every adoption blog I had read was much sweeter than this night was going.

I was so mad! How dare he ask me to find my passion and then say NO pick another one!  As the tears came and he began to explain, "I just want one year of nothing, no babies, tornado, moves, job changes, cranial helmets, ADD testing . . . I really do not know if I want any more children.  Did you say special needs?"  Ill have to say, I just do not think that is where I am."  I really do not remember what I said after that but I promise you it was not kind.

Our poor poor waiter!  I was crying big tears, mascara and all!  It is only now that I can look back and also feel so sad for not giving Skip any mercy.  It was all huge shock, after all, it took me a long time to settle into the whole idea.

Well, since that time the journey has been difficult and very sweet.  Anytime Skip and I are not united on an issue it is HARD!!  At first we went through months of being on our faces before God - really seeking what he wanted. (extremely difficult for my selfish heart)   At one point we went to church 3 time in a row and heard something about orphans, adoption, China or "His Story" for our lives.  It got to the point it became very comical.  God slowly changed Skip's heart and in the process has revealed some not so beautiful things in my heart.  I always hear, "enjoy the journey."  I must say I do not always enjoy the journey when I am DEEP in it.  The journey is the most beautiful to me when I am close to the peak or at least where my head is above water.   I will say that I love what God is able to accomplish during a journey - when I can set aside my pride and surrender control - when I am not picking crumbs up from under the table - thank you for your wisdom and great insight Heidi!

So where are we with the adoption?  We had a great plan, mapped it out with timelines and recently discovered that our journey to adopt has much more to do with our relationship with Him than it does with the great blessing at the end, the child.  So we have thrown out our plan and are seeking His. Let me just say that after we reach that peak and we are headed down the mountain and almost at the end about to meet that precious baby - oh the tears and joy and I will be running!   My heart is so excited I can hardly stand it!