Grant and Grace
Daddy's Boy
The BOYS!
JOY!
JOY! JOY!
Grant is a delight! He is full of joy and laughter. Before we went to China I had a very vivid dream of him and he was so happy. I had prayed that despite his life in the orphanage, he would have true joy - God is so good!
Since our arrival home he has made a lot of progress. The first week I did not know if I was going to make it - I am non-functioning without sleep and the whole jet lag with a toddler who cried 80% of the day ON top of Christmas school parties was almost more that I could take. The second week was better and wow this week is even better. We are learning his limit of over stimulation and the importance of his nighttime routine. Grant's sleeping is better as long as he has a low key predictable night. I think he is either having night terrors or has reflux as some nights he is awake a lot. The tantrums and crying are much more infrequent and his sleeping has improved.
Praises we just returned from the pediatrician and this little guy's test have all come out GREAT! He does not need another vaccine until he is 4! and has no other illnesses! He will see a Cardiologist next month and I really believe he will have a great report there also.
Grant is getting along very well with his siblings - they make him laugh this deep contagious laugh. Amelia and Grant have had some rivalry which has resulting in some biting. She has learned he does not appreciate her taking his toys. The older girls are so sweet to encourage him to walk and teach him how to play with his new toys. It is always a fight for who gets to sit next to him in the car - he is very very loved! And yes, he can light saber fight!
I will say some things about this process that I pray will not come out negative. I do feel I need to be honest about my feelings. Grant is my son and I love him dearly, but this process is so much more complicated than I ever could have imagined. There have been some very low points of absolute exhaustion and stubbornness on his part that have brought me to my knees. At no point has this adoption been a place for "one of my needs" to be met and each week it becomes so clear that this adoption is not about me. It has been very hard - AND so worth it at the same time. His grief has been physically painful to watch. I know we have a long road towards bonding. Grant is very affectionate and will receive my affection, but he does not trust me and refuses to let me touch his bottle. He wants to be loved but will not allow himself to be loved at times. He prefers to cry alone and his tantrums and rage cannot be comforted. I do pray he will allow me to love him and that I will have the wisdom to patiently lead us there.
Since our arrival home he has made a lot of progress. The first week I did not know if I was going to make it - I am non-functioning without sleep and the whole jet lag with a toddler who cried 80% of the day ON top of Christmas school parties was almost more that I could take. The second week was better and wow this week is even better. We are learning his limit of over stimulation and the importance of his nighttime routine. Grant's sleeping is better as long as he has a low key predictable night. I think he is either having night terrors or has reflux as some nights he is awake a lot. The tantrums and crying are much more infrequent and his sleeping has improved.
Praises we just returned from the pediatrician and this little guy's test have all come out GREAT! He does not need another vaccine until he is 4! and has no other illnesses! He will see a Cardiologist next month and I really believe he will have a great report there also.
Grant is getting along very well with his siblings - they make him laugh this deep contagious laugh. Amelia and Grant have had some rivalry which has resulting in some biting. She has learned he does not appreciate her taking his toys. The older girls are so sweet to encourage him to walk and teach him how to play with his new toys. It is always a fight for who gets to sit next to him in the car - he is very very loved! And yes, he can light saber fight!
I will say some things about this process that I pray will not come out negative. I do feel I need to be honest about my feelings. Grant is my son and I love him dearly, but this process is so much more complicated than I ever could have imagined. There have been some very low points of absolute exhaustion and stubbornness on his part that have brought me to my knees. At no point has this adoption been a place for "one of my needs" to be met and each week it becomes so clear that this adoption is not about me. It has been very hard - AND so worth it at the same time. His grief has been physically painful to watch. I know we have a long road towards bonding. Grant is very affectionate and will receive my affection, but he does not trust me and refuses to let me touch his bottle. He wants to be loved but will not allow himself to be loved at times. He prefers to cry alone and his tantrums and rage cannot be comforted. I do pray he will allow me to love him and that I will have the wisdom to patiently lead us there.
9 comments:
Oh, break my heart! And bless me in the same post! I love seeing Grant smile, but I can feel his pain too. and my heart hurts for everyone - for you, his mama, and for Grant - may his grief be short - may God wrap him up in a hug and allow him to let his guard down...
Keep your Dependence on the One who knows your son's heart and yours in the same breath!
hugs to you,
Sara
Thanks for sharing the great pictures and your heart. Eva did not fully bond/open up with us until we had been home almost a year. It took time for the seriousness to settle in her heart. Now, she's totally different. Time, patience, and prayer.
Ashley,
I am so thankful that I was able to meet you, Skip, and Grant in Guangzhou. I'm glad each week is improving for your family. We are struggling with some of the same things you have mentioned. I think Robert Matthew is bonding with me, and then when he cries at night, he just won't let me comfort him at all. It is absolutely heartbreaking. I just pray that in times that we can't comfort our babies, that our heavenly Father is doing it for us, in an even more remarkable way than we would have done.
It is great to see his big smiles.
Take care and blessings to your family.
Rebekah
Welcome Home and Happy New Year! It is wonderful to see his smiles and read of his progress. And to see your Christmas card photo: JOY!
You are over a big hurdle it sounds like with guaging his routines, and you are reading him. You will work through this with him. You have a wonderfully supportive family and a heart overflowing with love. He'll soak it in.
Peace be with you all,
Trena
Thank you for your honesty and openness...you know that will help so many others...love you and miss you terribly!
I so appreciate your honesty Ashley. Adoption is a complicated process and you can bet that most, if not all, of us have been where you are. Remember how Abigail didn't want anything to do with me?....and I waited for two long years for her. God will bond his heart to yours. It blessed my heart to see his joy in the pictures. May your family be blessed with a wonderful 2010!
Oh Ashley, I'm so happy to have caught up on your most recent post since you've returned home with Grant. I love his sweet smile, and my favorite photo is the one of the boys together...they're both adorable in that one!
I SO appreciate your honesty, as I know we all do. It breaks my heart to see you going through this, yet at the same time, it's clear that progress is being made. Time is a healer, and I truly believe that each day will bring a little more trust in you as his new mama. It has to be so exhausting at times, though. Just remember to lean on the One who brought you to your son to begin with...he is the Comforter and Healer of both of your hearts! Welcome home and may the next year be filled with SO many happy memories and blessings for your family! <><
love and hugs,
~ Tanya
Ashley, Thanks for your prayers and comments on my blog. As for Joy...by the time we left China, she was eating Cheerios. I would fix congee in the crockpot and always have that on hand for the girls, or plain sticky rice. That was easy for Joy. Still she prefers her food finely chopped up, never big pieces. My girls do love Ramen noodles, macaroni & cheese, spaghetti. Those are easy for Joy. But,she loves steamed broccoli with rice. Slowly, she just started watching big sister eat everything in site. She still is a light eater. At her 3 year check she was 25 pounds. I know Grant will do the same with time, security and love. Sometimes security is what they need more than anything else.
Ashley
I can not imagine what the past few weeks has been like for you. I know it is such a mixture of feelings and emotions
I am with you on the sleep thing - when I am tired I am just not a very kind or high functioning person
I am looking forward to meeting sweet little Grant
Praying for all of you
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